[We see Usagi by the phone.]

Usagi: [talking to herself] Aargh. Naru is busy, Minako is busy, Makoto isn't answering the phone or she's not home...I guess I'm going to have to see if Rei will wait with me at the busstop for Ami.

[She picks up the phone.]

Shingo: Looking for a babysitter for yourself, sis? I work cheap.

Usagi: I'm NOT looking for a babysitter! I just don't want to sit by myself at the bus stop.

Shingo: You can find it on your own?

[Usagi sticks out her tongue at Shingo. He reciprocates.]

Usagi: [ignoring Shingo and dialing, thinking] I should have just used my communicator. Then I could do this in my room where my brother the jerk couldn't harrass me.

[Someone picks up the other end of the line.]

Usagi: Hi, can I talk to Rei?

Rei: [bored tone] This is Rei. Oh, hi, Usagi.

Usagi: Wanna wait with me at the bus stop for Ami?

Rei: Can't manage it on your own?

Usagi: It's boring sitting around by myself!

Rei: [sounds bored enough to drop dead on the spot] Yeah, I guess I can do it.

Usagi: Thanks! I'll be by in just a few minutes. [thinking] I hope I don't miss dinner. Naaah, Ami's never late.

* * * * *



by John Biles

* * * * *

[We see Rei and Usagi at a bus stop, waiting for Ami. Usagi keeps walking around and around and around the sign, while Rei sits on the bench and looks up at the starry sky.]

Usagi: We've got to go looking for her! Her bus came and went without her! Maybe something horrible has attacked her! It's so cold. I wanna go home!

Rei: [rolls her eyes] We can't go home and go looking for her at the same time.

Usagi: And I'm so hungry! We've been waiting here so long I've missed dinner.

Rei: Life goes on Usagi. We can't all eat five meals a day like you.

Usagi: I don't eat five meals a day!

Rei: Well, alright...You don't look that fat.

Usagi: Don't call me fat! I am not fat! [pinches her side to test for fat] WAAAAHHHH!!!! I am getting fat!

Rei: [thought] I should have asked Minako to wait with Usagi. Or Luna. Or that cute guy over there. Or just about anyone except me. Of course, only Usagi would need a babysitter at her age...I hope Ami gets here soon or I'm going to have to kill Usagi. Why is she so late?

[A bus pulls up and Ami gets off.]

Usagi: [runs over and hugs Ami] I thought a horrible monster must have eaten you!

Ami: Uh, no, just had to help someone get home.

Rei: You should have called and let us know you'd be late. I've been trapped here with Usagi for over an hour.

Ami: I'm sorry. This came up unexpectedly. It won't happen again.

* * * * *

[Usagi sprints in the front door of her house. Her mother is standing there, tapping a ladle against her leg.]

Usagi: Uh...hi, Mom.

Mom: U...S...A...G...I...

Usagi: [big sweat] Um, did I miss dinner?

Mom: Think ice cold frozen wastelands. That's warmer than your dinner.

Usagi: Can I...uh...warm it up?


Usagi: Ami was late. She had trouble with...

Mom: Ever since you started associating out with that Mizuno girl, you keep disappearing all the time, no explanation, you miss dinner, you vanish in the middle of the night, you...

Usagi: Mom, Ami's a nice girl! It's not her fault that...

Mom: I hoped your grades would go up when you started associating with her, but from what I've heard, all you've done is drag her grades down! Not only that, but...

Usagi: She didn't mean to be late, Mom. She had to help someone get home. And I haven't dragged her grades down!

Mom: And what about your friend Rei? Living up there in that temple, alone with her grandfather... I've heard some rumors about him...

Usagi: He's just a nice old man! You should be more respectful of priests, Mom!

Mom: Not to mention that Kino girl. Violent, trouble maker, and a delinquent. Not to mention, what's a kid her age doing living on her own?

Usagi: I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to stay out late! And stop being mean about my friends! They're all really nice! [runs off upstairs, crying]

* * * * *

[Usagi runs into her room, still crying and plops down on the bed, nearly squashing Luna flat.]

Luna: Hey!

Usagi: [still crying] Sorry. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luna: Dinner not to your liking? Or just frozen solid from you being late?

Usagi: SHUT UP! [throws a pillow at Luna]

Luna: Well, you ought to start studying, with that big exam coming up...

Usagi: [sticks her face in her pillow] Don't wanna study.

Luna: This is how your grades get to be...

Usagi: SHUT UP!!!!! I've already got Mom eating my head! I don't need you bugging me too! [throws the pillow at Luna, who gets clocked and falls off the bed.]

Luna: Why was she yelling at you? For being a lazy student? For not doing your chores? For being a...

Usagi: [crys more and tries to bury her head in the sheets] She thinks Ami's a bad influence on me. [Luna faints.] And Makoto and...I'm afraid she may try and forbid me to see them and...Luna? [looks up] NOW WHO'S LAZY? WAKE UP!!!!!

[Luna flies off the bed from the force of Usagi's voice and wakes up.]

Luna: I must be dreaming. A horrible nightmare...

Usagi: [blinks through tears] What?

Luna: Yes. Your mother could never really think Ami was a bad influence. It's all a dream. Maybe all of this is a dream. Yes, the real moon princess would never be so lazy and stupid and ...

[cut to shot of Luna being tossed out the window]


* * * * *

[We see Usagi at Minako's house the next day.]

Minako: Thanks for agreeing to take care of Artemis for me, Usagi.

Usagi: No problem...[sighs] Enjoy your ski trip.

Minako: What's wrong, Usagi?

Usagi: Mom is starting to freak out over all my bad grades and the way I show up late sometimes or vanish in the middle of the day and stuff. And she's trying to decide if Ami is a bad influence on me or vice versa.

Minako: She thinks AMI is a bad influence on you?

Artemis: Maybe she's confused Ami with uh...that is strange.

Usagi: I dunno, maybe she was just having a bad day...If she's gonna spend all of our break freaking out, I'm gonna go nuts.

Minako: I'm sure things will be okay. What are you doing for break?

Usagi: Dying of boredom. Taking care of cats. I think Naru and I might go out one night.

Minako: Why don't you go out on a date with Mamoru? That might cheer you up.

Usagi: That's a great idea! I'll call him right away.

* * * * *

[We see Usagi on the phone.]

Usagi: [twirling the cord round one finger] Come on, pick up the phone, pick up the phone...

[Someone picks up the phone.]

Usagi: Hi, wanna go out this weekend?

Motoki: Sure! But what if Mamoru finds out? [laughs]

Usagi: Ack! I thought you were Mamoru!

Motoki: Want me to put Mamoru on?

Usagi: PLEASE!


Mamoru: Hi, Usagi-chan.

Usagi: Wanna go out this weekend?

Mamoru: Hmm. Sure.

Usagi: WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * * * *

[We see Usagi at the airport with her friends, bidding Minako farewell on her ski trip.]

Usagi: Oh, I'm so jealous you're going skiing! All we're doing for vacation is going to a museum. Yuck.

Ami: Enjoy your vacation, Minako.

Minako: Thanks for coming to the airport with us! I'll send you a card from Hokkaido!

Makoto: Hokkaido is very nice.

Minako's father: Come on, Minako-chan. They're boarding our flight.

Usagi: Bring me back some candy!

Minako: [being hustled off] I will!

[Usagi and her friends wave as Minako and her family board the plane.]

Makoto: I've got some ice cream waiting to be eaten. Everyone ready to head to my place?

Usagi: I...have to go home.

Rei: What? You...You're passing up free food?

Makoto: Are you sick?

Ami: Is something wrong?

Rei: Maybe she's been possessed.

Usagi: Mom's getting really jumpy about me being late all the time and stuff...she thinks Ami is corrupting me or...

Ami: [blinks] What?

[Rei faints. Makoto just stares.]

Usagi: Rei! [runs over to her]

Rei: [babbling] I've gone mad...I'm hallucinating...I'm...

Makoto: You mother said that...

Usagi: [shakes Rei] Snap out of it! [to Makoto and Ami] My mom is really worried my grades are gonna get worse and I'm dragging down Ami's grades and I missed dinner and...

Rei: Stop shaking me!

Makoto: I see you've recovered.

Rei: I had a horrible nightmare where Usagi said her mother thought Ami was a bad influence and...

Usagi: That was real, Rei.

[Rei faints again.]

Usagi: Stop doing that!

Ami: I...your mother really...

Usagi: I don't know. I don't understand Mom half the time.

Makoto: I'm sure she's just stressed out over something. She couldn't have really meant that...

Usagi: On the other hand, I have a date this weekend!

Rei: Mamoru took pity on you?

Usagi: REI! [iris out to next scene as Usagi chases Rei across the airport]

* * * * *

[We see Usagi dressing up for her date.]

Usagi: This is going to be so much fun!

[Her mother comes in.]

Mom: Now, Usagi, don't stay out too late.

Usagi: Hai! I'll show you that I'm trustworthy!

Mom: That'll be the day...

Usagi: MOM!!!!!

Mom: I'm sorry, Usagi, things have just been so busy lately. I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. Your uncle is in trouble again.

Usagi: What happened this time?

Mom: More fraud charges.

Usagi: [sighs] Not again...

Mom: He keeps buying into all those cockamanie schemes...get rich quick and all that. Well, enough of that. Enjoy your date, Usagi-chan.

Usagi: I will!

* * * * *

[Usagi and Mamoru are in his car. They are both dressed up fairly nicely, but Mamoru is not wearing a tuxedo :).]

Usagi: Drive faster, Mamo-chan!

Mamoru: Not in this traffic.

[He sees a red sports car in the traffic behind him. It is going at about twice the speed of the other cars, weaving in and out of traffic.]

Mamoru: Great, some nutcase.

Usagi: I'm not a nutcase!

Mamoru: Not you, the driver!

[The car comes closer. There is a woman with long black hair driving, with a short haired man sitting next to her in the other front seat, with a dog in his lap. He is twitching and shaking, while a second man leans forward from the back seat, trying to tell the woman something. The woman has the pedal to the floor.]

Usagi: [looking back] What a cute dog!

[The car zooms closer, then switches to the right lane to pass Mamoru.]

Mamoru: [thought] Please don't hit me...Please don't hit me...

[The woman turns to yell something at the man in the back seat and doesn't notice she is about to merge left right through Mamoru's car.]

Mamoru: Uh oh...

Usagi: [Sees the rear of the car heading for her car door] AAAHHHH!!!!! [leaps over to Mamoru's lap and buries her face in his chest]

Mamoru: [loses control as Usagi leaps over and swerves into the next lane...into oncoming traffic] AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!

[He barely gets back over, coming in behind the red sports car. He punches the horn hard.]

Usagi: Are we dead yet? Am I in heaven??

Mamoru: Crazy Driver! [honks the horn again]

[The man in the back seat waves his fist at Mamoru and shouts something Mamoru can't hear. The red sports car starts to zoom ahead again.]

Mamoru: You can get back in your seat, Usagi.

Usagi: Actually, I kind of like it here in your...

Mamoru: I can't drive with you there!

Usagi: We're moving aren't we?

[A siren starts up behind them.]

Mamoru: Just great.

* * * * *

[Mamoru and Usagi are at the Santovasku Griddle. Their waitress is a cute girl with green hair, who almost looks as if she might have horns under that hair...]

Waitress: What can I get you?

Usagi: I'm sorry about the tickets, Mamo-chan.

Mamoru: Don't worry about it. If I get my hands on that driver...

[At the adjacent table, a brown haired boy sits with a cute girl with short brown hair.]

Boy: [puts a hand nervously behind his head] Uhh...what would you like to have, Hikaru?

Hikaru: Hmmm. Oh, waitress.

[The waitress turns around and starts taking their order.]

Usagi: Hey! What about our order?

Waitress: You were busy.

Usagi: I wanna order! I'm hungry!

Waitress: I'll get back to you.

Usagi: [stands up, flailing her arms] I want some SERVICE! [Her flailing knocks the waitress into the boy, who spills his water on Hikaru.] Oops! I'm sorry!

Hikaru: WAAAHHH!!!! My dress!

Boy: Whaddya do that for? [at Usagi]

Hikaru: She's mean, Kasuga-kun!

Usagi: I'm not mean! Rei's the mean one!

Mamoru: She didn't mean to do it. She's just a little clumsy.

Usagi: Mamo-chan! I'm not clumsy! [to Hikaru] I'm sorry. That was an accident.

Hikaru: I guess it is only water.

Waitress: [to Usagi] I'll be with you in just a minute.

Usagi: Okay! [spins and sits down. Her long hair whips around and slaps Hikaru in the head twice as she turns.]

Hikaru: WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

Usagi: [thinking] Oops...

* * * * *

[We see Usagi chowing down like there is no tomorrow. She has four empty plates while Mamoru is still on the first plate. The couple at the adjacent table is finishing off their meal]

Usagi: This is [munch, munch] great!

Mamoru: I'm glad...you like it so much.

Hikaru: [whispered] That girl is disgusting! Let's get out of here.

Kasuga-kun: Hai. [thinking] Hmmm. Maybe just a little tiny use of the power...

[As Hikaru and Kasuga get up and leave, Usagi's dinner plate flips up and dumps fried vegetables and noodles in her lap.]

Usagi: AIYEEEEE!!!!!!!

* * * * *

[Later in the evening, we see Usagi and Mamoru drive up to the movie theatre. As they pull into the parking lot, Mamoru drives through a puddle and splashes water onto a boy with short spiky hair and a tall girl with odd tattoos on her forehead, who are getting off a motorcycle nearby.]

Mamoru: [doesn't notice] Guess we'll park here.

Girl: Ack!

Boy: Hey! [shakes his fist] Hmph. Probably Aoshima sent him to do that...

[Mamoru and Usagi get out and get in line.]

Usagi: I want to see Love and Romance on the High Seas!

Mamoru: It looks like a movie based on the Love Boat.

Usagi: I loved the Love Boat!

Mamoru: [thinking] I won't mention I had a crush on the stewardess. [out loud] Okay, I guess we can go see that.

Usagi: Wahoo! [jumps up and down]

[They soon buy their tickets and head into the lobby, getting in line to buy some soda and popcorn. ]

Mamoru: I'll be right back. I need to go to the bathroom.

Usagi: [nods] Okay. I'll get two big tubs of popcorn and two cokes.

Mamoru: Sounds good to me.

Usagi: And what would you like for yourself?

Mamoru: [facefaults] Just get me a small popcorn and a large coke. [heads off]

[There is a disreputable looking teenage boy with a leer busily making his way up one side of the line.]

Boy: Hey, miss, wanna be my date tonight?

Girl: GET LOST! [whaps him with a purse]

Boy: [puts arm around Girl2] Hey, what's your phone number, baby?

Girl2: Get off me! [mallets him into the ground]

[He peels himself off the ground and heads over to Usagi.]

Boy: WOW! Whatta babe!

Usagi: I...uh...

Boy: [leaps at Usagi, who backs up] I wanna hug you and love you all over!

[Usagi keeps backing up. The boy pursues.]

Usagi: Stop it! Or I'll...ah...[thinking] I can't transform in front of all these people. Maybe I can do something with my disguise pen...

Boy: [dives at Usagi] Come to me, baby!

Usagi: [steps to one side, then reaches back and pushes the door to the theatre open hard as he dives forward and out the door. She does not see that she just slammed the door in the face of a pig-tailed boy in a red satin shirt and black pants and a purple-haired chinese girl, both of whom are now lying dazed on the ground.] Get away from ME!!!!

[Mamoru runs up to Usagi through the crowd]

Mamoru: What's going on?

Usagi: Get him away from me.

[Mamoru opens the door, knocking down the pig-tailed boy and chinese girl again.]

Mamoru: Stay away from my girlfriend, you pervert!

Boy: [drooling] Nothing can keep me from expressing what I feel for...[a green haired girl with horns flies up and zaps him] AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

Girl: Darling no baka! [to Usagi] Better get going before darling wakes up.

Usagi: Thanks!

* * * * *

[We see Usagi and Mamoru settled down in their seats. Usagi has a lap full of food. On the screen, Captain Mizukama is talking to Stewardess Miyabi.]

Captain: Well, how are all of the guests doing?

Stewardess: I slipped a love potion into the punch. That should get things going nicely. They were all too shy.

Captain: [looks at his half-empty punch glass] Uh...This punch?

Stewardess: [evil grin] Mmm...Could be. [leaps into his arms]

Mamoru: [thinking] Well, I have to admit that never happened on the Love Boat.

[At the back of the theatre, we see the purple haired girl storm in with a pair of bonbori in her hands, followed by the boy, who is trying to drag her back out.]

Boy: No way we're gonna watch this stupid movie!

Girl: Not here to watch movie. Shampoo here to kill blonde girl!

Boy: [lets go] Oh, well, in that case...wait, kill blonde girl?

Shampoo: Shampoo must kill blond girl for defeating her with door!

Boy: It was an accident!

Shampoo: Ranma-groom, Amazon law doesn't admit to accidents!

[Usagi and Mamoru obliviously watch the movie as the girl stomps down the aisle, looking for Usagi.]

Usagi: Isn't this movie romantic, Mamo-chan?

Mamoru: It really su...[pauses] Not as romantic as you, dear.

Usagi: Awwww...That's sweet. [She tries to latch onto his arm and eat at the same time, repeatedly dropping popcorn in his lap.]

[Shampoo spots Usagi and starts running down the row of seats towards her, leaping from lap to lap with Ranma chasing her, running on the tops of the seats.]

Shampoo: Shampoo kill blond girl!

Usagi: [looks over and sees the oncoming Shampoo] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Mamoru: What the....

Shampoo: Blond haired girl dies, now!

[Usagi screams and leaps up. Her food goes flying. In slow motion, one of her popcorn buckets goes flying into the air...cut to Shampoo whose eyes widen...cut to the bucket, tumbling end over end...cut to the bucket landing on Shampoo's head so she can't see. Shampoo trips and goes crashing off into another row of seats.]

Usagi: Save me, Mamo-chan! [He picks her up and runs]

Mamoru: [thinking] At least I don't have to watch the rest of this awful movie.

* * * * *

[We see Usagi and Mamoru at Disco Moebius.]

Usagi: [grooving to the beat] At least we finally lost that crazy chinese girl.

Mamoru: This just hasn't been our night.

Usagi: [dances closer to Mamoru] Well, at least we're suffering together!

[The music changes to a slow dance and they come together.]

Usagi: [thinking] He's so wonderful to be with. [steps on Mamoru's feet, spoken] Eep! I'm sorry!

Mamoru: It was nothing

Usagi: [steps on his feet again] Waaah! I'm so clumsy!

Mamoru: I don't mind. [thinking] I had these shoes reinforced in advance for this date.

Usagi: [standing on tippytoes for a kiss] I love you, Mamo-chan.

Mamoru: I love you too. [As he leans in for a kiss, he gets clocked in the head with a mace]

Shampoo: Aiya! Man put his head in way!

Usagi: [turns and sees Shampoo] AAAAHHH!!!!!!!

Ranma: [muscling his way through the crowd] SHAMPOO! Stop that!

[Usagi flees through the crowd, with Shampoo swinging wildly at her. Shampoo manages to clock several dozen people, including Hikaru (from the restaurant earlier) and her date. Soon, a girl with long black hair and a handful of guitar picks is chasing Shampoo and Ranma, who is chasing Shampoo.]

Usagi: Help me, someone!!!!!!

[The crowd parts. Tuxedo Kamen stands in an open space, rose in hand. He points the rose at Shampoo.]

Tuxedo Kamen: It is truly unkind to seek to slay a young lover whose only crime was to open a door...[Shampoo leaps, double whaps him in the head with her maces, and vaults past him as he collapses unconscious. Then the boy and the girl with the guitar picks both trample him as they chase after Shampoo.]


[She circles back around to Tuxedo Kamen and tries to pick him up.]

Tuxedo Kamen: Anyone get the number of that youma that hit me??? [He passes out]

[Shampoo closes in on Usagi. Usagi stands and points at Shampoo.]


Shampoo: [closing in] Shampoo so scared she could die laughing.

Usagi: [thinking] I can't change in front of all these people...

Shampoo: [leaps into the air to attack Usagi] Now Shampoo kill meatball head girl!

Usagi: [blindly swipes at Shampoo with her eyes closed] You'll never take me alive!

[Nothing happens, but she hears a scream fly over her head.]

Usagi: [opens her eyes and sees the angry guitar-pick girl and the pig-tailed boy coming right at her. She screams, but they run past her. Turning, she sees Shampoo rolling on the ground with several guitar picks stuck in her back and posterior.] I'd better get out while she is distracted.

[She helps the semi-conscious Tuxedo Kamen up and they stagger for the exit. Then the lecherous lad from the movie theatre appears through the crowd]

Lechery lad: I have found you, oh beautiful girl! [charges at Usagi]

Usagi: AAAAAHHHH!!!!!! [She tries to run, but Tuxedo Kamen is still too groggy to run fast] Stay away from me!

Lechery Lad: [tries to drag Tuxedo Kamen away from her] Let me get rid of this awful drunk who is hitting on you.

Usagi: That's my boyfriend, and I want you to stop!

Lechery Lad: I'll just hug you instead! [He latches onto her like glue.]

Usagi: [starts beating on him] Get off me! [She sees Shampoo charging again, with the pig-tailed boy trying to drag her away and fend off the guitar-pick girl at the same time] AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Desperate Usagi-chan KICK! [She punts Lechery Lad across the room into Shampoo, who he immediately gloms onto]

Lechery Lad: I've died and gone to cleavage heaven!

Shampoo: Aiya! Shampoo pick up horrible fungus!

[As she starts beating on Lechery Lad, Usagi drags Tuxedo Kamen out of the building. He finally revives in the cool night air.]

Tuxedo Kamen: What happened? Hey, I'm...

Usagi: You don't remember what happened?

Tuxedo Kamen: The last thing I remember is that purple haired maniac hitting me in the head when we were about to kiss...

Usagi: Well, why don't we just go from there.

Tuxedo Kamen: [leans in closer to Usagi] Sounds good to me. [He leans forward, closes his eyes and...misses her?] What the...[he looks and sees her looking up into the sky] Something up there?

Usagi: Just making sure Chiba Usa isn't about to fall on us...

Tuxedo Kamen: [laughs] Good idea. [They both lean in for a kiss. Their lips meet and...]

[The door of the disco flies open. A mob charges out in a floating brawl, with Shampoo at the lead, charging Usagi.]

Shampoo: SHAMPOO KILL!!!!

Tuxedo Kamen: Uh oh...

[He picks up Usagi and runs. Iris out on Tuxedo Kamen and Usagi fleeing down a hill with a rioting crowd right on their heels.]

Usagi: This date didn't go so well.

Tuxedo Kamen: You can say that again.

Usagi: Just think, we've got all of the break to try again!

[Tuxedo Kamen facefaults.]

The End.

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Symphony of the Planets: Moon and Earth, 5 October 1996